Wheee!

lisbourne asked for a Lindsay ficlet in which Lindsay thinks about "what could have been" with Brian and Gus. And that's what I tried to write, but it ended up turning into Lindsay thinking about "what could be", which isn't quite the same thing at all, I'm sorry. I hope the theme still appeals to you.

It’ll be hard sometimes, not to encourage Gus along a path of her own choosing.


Lindsay sees the world in Gus. Billions of possibilities. She wants Gus to have the best of everything, wants him to have love, a family. Wants him to grow up and meet a nice girl, wants him to give her some beautiful grandchildren.

She wonders what Brian would think of having grandchildren, and although she’s pretty sure his first reaction would be to lock himself in any available upholstered Victorian study and blow his brains out, (like the drama queen he not-so-secretly is), she thinks his second reaction would be calmer. He’d have the kids over to the loft every other Saturday, and their toys would be randomly strewn across his hardwood floors, like an obstacle course.

Lindsay gives them names. Patricia. Sam. David. Laura.

Laura would be Brian’s favorite. She’d be blonde and hazel-eyed, have a quirky little smile that would come from her mother. He’d tease her the most, maybe make her cry, but still give her the largest Popsicle. “Size matters,” he’d say, “Don’t let anyone tell you different.”

Gus could make Brian the best grandfather in the world, Lindsay sometimes thinks. Could make Brian care longer, live longer, get attached like even Justin can’t make him, could eradicate this whole “going out in a blaze of glory” idea that Brian still talks about. Blaze of glory. It scares the daylights out of her.

She’ll never tell Gus any of this, though, not even when he’s older. He’s young. He holds billions of possibilities, and Lindsay’s responsibility as his mother is to make sure he can choose any of them freely. Without pressure from society-at-large, and without pressure from her. And if Gus doesn’t end up wanting kids, well, that’s his choice.

It’ll be hard sometimes, not to encourage Gus along a path of her own choosing. But it’ll always be the right thing to do, she knows it. When it comes time, when he’s old enough, she’ll step back and let him live.

And let Brian live, too, the way he wants to.

But Lindsay still names the grandchildren, even if she never says their names out loud.


end